Kakashi's Letter came to late
by natsukileeRKOlover
Summary: Kakashi's letter came late but at least it came. At least Iruka could read it, could understand the copy ninja's feelings. A yaoi oneshot of what happens to Iruka After Kakashi dies. sad! R


_It's an understatement to say that i was very sad when i heard about Kakashi's fate.  
It's said that he is possibly dead but is decapitated. It makes me cry that my favorite character was murdered by pein  
I for one hope that pein dies in a very painful (yes ironic) death by someone who is considered weak...i would so send Iruka after his peirced ass  
which would be even more ironic since kakashi saved iruka from pein then also saved chouji. (which i don't get he saves the FAT ninja, geez i like chouji and all but just call him fat and he'll kick your ass to the next episode/3chapters)  
either way this story came to me as a result of the news. It's a kaka/iru in a way and it's quite morbid but i liked writing it for a few reasons. Hopefully, you all enjoy it, it is meant as a what happened after kakashi's death.  
_  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone from the Naruto anime/manga/general storyline. Kakashi and Iruka's life pretaining to this fic is what it is fanfiction. so all you little lawyers can go suck it hard because i'm a mourning women!!!  
**Warning** This is a yaoi fanfiction not to much mention of sexual interactions but gay love is spoken about. (whole point of the story)

* * *

The sky was dark with the late night hours. Sadness was evident in many after the recent Akatsuki attack. It seemed hard to explain how it all happened so quickly. Some became injured and others...one died. All seemed just so ...out of order. Sasuke had been gone for a while, Jiraiya died, Naruto left to train again. The Akatsuki were looking for Naruto and that's what brought Pein.

Damn Pein! His strength is impecable. Why would He do what he did when he knew how pein fought?

It seemed that everyone in Konoha is broken in some way or another. And now his suffering ended. Dear Kakashi.

There Iruka was, ready to die for the ones he loved, for Naruto's keep sake, for the kyuubi's where abouts, when Kakashi saved him. Was it right for Iruka to feel so angry with Kakashi's strength and his own weakness? If you were Iruka right now would you blame yourself for Kakashi's death too?

Iruka slammed a fist into the wall before him. A breaking hole was formed at his strength, his fustration. He barely talked to Kakashi, a few decent conversations here and there, nothing even close to a real friendship. And yet, here Iruka was, suffering and mourning the death of someone he secretly loved for so long.

It was all his fault if he had just told Kakashi that he could fight Pein himself and sent Kakashi on his way to warn the others, things would have been different. Even if it were a lie to the silver haired jonin, Iruka would have let Kakashi live and would die himself. Iruka would be better off if he died anyways. What was there now? He was alone for a few years before tending to Naruto. And now Naruto doesn't need him anymore. He's off training things Iruka could never even think of managing. He had no one to love. Kakashi. That damn pervy jonin was so much more then an aquaintance of some sorts. Kakashi was his unrequited love. But, he's gone now.

Gone. Along with all the restless nights of Iruka thinking of ways to be the one in Kakashi's eye. Along with the heartache Iruka had when he saw the man at the grave stone of his old teammate every so often on his way to his parents grave. Along with all the things Iruka had pent up deep inside for so long.

It's been years that Iruka has loved Kakashi, since Naruto became part of his genin team. And to this very day Iruka still could not descrbe his love for him. Could it be the non-chalant attitude? His constant reading of porn? That crooked smirk beneith a well wrapped mask? His inner weakness with the death of his loved ones? His deep voice? His strong arms and soul? Was it that Iruka could never touch him the way he dreamed of? Maybe it was choice H, all of the above.

Tears streamed down Iruka's tan scarred face slowly. He sat in his room, in the darkness, in the abyss of his broken heart. After Kakashi's death Pein left seeing that no one would give up where the kyuubi vessel was- Naruto. He didn't feel like fighting so he left. Didn't feel like fighting or did he just see he had done enough damage for one day? So things started to calm down. Kakashi's body was burried without a funeral, just for the fact that the village had no time to waste for preperations of another possible attack from the Akatsuki. They said that is time allowed later on Kakashi's body would be lain to rest properly.

Iruka whiped at his moist cheeks. His glassy eyes ventured out his window and gazed at the moon an stars. The grayish color of a dark cloud that covered half of the sky that he could see reminded Iruka of the soft gray color of Kakashi's hair. The stars reminded him of the distant twinkle in Kakashi's visible eye when he got a new volume to Icha Icha paradise. The odd cold feeling got every time he stared out of his window returned with full force reminding him of such an opposite feeling. The cold reminded him of the warmth he filled up with when he scarecly talked to Kakashi. Eveything around The brunette chunnin's body reminded him of the older man. Iruka blinked out another held in tear.

He couldn't hold in his sobs for longer and he knew it. He held it long enough. Iruka felt so weak now without the thought of a hope for him and Kakashi driving him. Tomarrow he would return to work and live the stiff life of teaching children. He would return without a care in the world for anyone around him. The one he loved has died while his son figure was away training. Who was to make him smile when his heart couldn't bare anymore heartache? No one could ever take the place of things that he's lost already.

Kakashi was a hero. He saved Iruka and saved Chouji. If only he could save Iruka one more time. Save the tand man from his own depression.

For the sake of not letting Naruto alone, Iruka decided to live. Living without really living anymore.

Iruka doubled over as his sobs broke through finally. His dark eyes shed tears like tiny waterfalls of dispare. He clutched his stomach and fell on his side onto the neat, but ruffled bed. Cries of loneliness burned his throat. Iruka couldn't remember crying this much since his parents died many yeas ago. Sure he's cried for kakashi practically every night since his love developed, but never this severe. Every memory, every word said flashed in his mind like a tornado. Kakashi was ...dead. The word still hurt to even think.

Silently through his sobs Iruka prayed that this be just a really long dream... a nightmare. A message from his inner being, telling him to confess his love to the masked Jonin before it was to late. But, Iruka knew, deep down in the confinds of his mind, that this whole experience was no dream. No dream, nightmare, maessage of the soul, whatever you want to call it ...it was never this horrible.

Before cying himself into an exhausted sleep, Iruka whispered softly into the night air. "I miss you, Kakashi. I love you, Hatake Kakashi..."

Maybe Iruka's gasped words would reach heaven, even with it being so softly spoken. Iruka could only hope.

* * *

Distant eyes watched the familiar path below his feet as he walked home. Iruka had just finished grading papers after class had dismissed. He was tired from lack of sleep and lack of comforting thoughts.

Of course Iruka's students noticed his depression. But even when they asked, the Umino man just continued on with lessons, not answering. He couldn't answer, not in his state of mind. Answering that question would just break him even further then he already had.

And so, Iruka took slow steps back to his apartment. His dark eyes to the gravel and His hands were stuffed deep in his pockets. He was living without really living. Just like he planned. Kakashi's face illuminated in his darkening thoughts. It served a light of some small guidence. Guidence to what he didn't know. One thing he did know as he walked his way home was that if he ever got his hands on Pein he would fight till either he or the peirced Akatsuki member died. Hopefully even both.

Iruka shook the thought away. He wouldn't give up on life, he promised himself. Sadly he knew he already had.

'_He's in a better place now, with his father and old genin teammates,_' Iruka solemnly reminded himself. '_who am I to him? Just some guy he knew as a weak, mother hen like teacher-_'

"Umino-san?" Someone called.

Iruka looked up to see an ANBU before him. The man was gruff looking, a bit intimidating to look at with his mask and ninjato. "yes?" Iruka answered timidly.

The Black Op removed a closed envelope from a pocket in the inner lining of the grey vest he wore. Iruka's memory flashed to when he had saw Kakashi with a vest like that on long ago. Quickly Iruka shook the image away to pay attention to the man before him. "While cleaning up through Hatake Kakashi's home we found this envelope. It has your name on it so we thought you might want it," the ANBU told.

Eyebrows furrowed together. Hesitanly, Iruka took his hand from his pocket and grasped the thick envelope. "Thank you..." He said. Why would Kakashi have an envelope with his name on it? It made Iruka confused.

The ANBU black op pofed away to where ever he needed togo without another word. Iruka struggled to keep his thoughts away from the memories the smoke, forming from the transportation jutsu, brought to him.

The pace in Iruka's steps quickened and He was home in a few minutes. He was begging to open up his unexpected gift.

And so he studied the lovely cursive on the outside stating his whole name. It looked so beautiful in Kakashi's handwriting. Iruka spent so much time looking through mission reprts as a side job and many time sat in a room a people studying Kakashi's handwritten reports. Sad that Iruka would never be able to do that again. Iruka gently opened the envelope's glued lip.

Inside were 3 papers folded in three to fit in it's container. Iruka removed the papers and instantly began to read. He noted the cursive written so neatly it looked impossible for a human to do write like that. Kakashi had Skipped every other line, just making it even neater. A clench held onto Iruka's heart as he read, tears flowing down his cheeks fluidly. When he finished Iruka sobbed but still felt the need to re-read the letter with a sad smile on his face, falling to his knees.

**Dear Iruka-san,  
I don't really know how to say this. I've read romance novel after romance novel and it's got me no where close to a way to express my feelings. If you're reading this letter, either I went completely crazy and decided to finally give into the voice in the back of my head, or I'm dead. Hopefully not the latter choice, that would really be a depressing thought.  
So I guess I'm writing this to tell you how I really feel.  
It's difficult to say how I really feel. I doubt there's even a way to explain it. But one thing is certain, I love you. I try so hard to hide it. Don't ask me why. It's probably because I'm affraid to loose another person that I care about. I always feel like I have this bad luck going around with me. In my heart i feel like no matter who I get close to that that person will somehow die because of it. And I wouldn't be able to live knowing that you died because of me.  
Sorry, I lost my train of thought. What I'm trying to say is that I love you, I can't say it enough to express it truly. You're all I think about. I can't even concentrate on reading make-out paradise anymore without with it was you I was holding and not the book. I just want to hold you so close and never let you go because I don't know if I would be able to release you from my grasp when I already have. But I don't really have you and deep down inside I can't promise to ever really have you. Let it be fate or just my inability to ask you out.  
It's so hard to admit you love some one, especially if such a love is a bit taboo. You tend to go through reasons against and for your love. I must have done that everyday and everynight before just giving up and excepting my truest feelings. I love you! I see you in my dreams. I wish that you could be at my side every moment of the day. Sometimes when I'm reading I find myself thinking "what would Iruka-san say if he read this?" Your like the everlasting current of my mind at night. How could fall in love with You if I barely knew you? But I just knew. I couldn't deny it forever. I'd rather know that I love you and that even if I had to look from afar that I would be fine, then repressing my feelings.  
You are so magnificent with your sexy skin and loving dark eyes. You amaze me when you are so strong protecting your beliefs. Every once in a while I ask myself why I couldn't do what you do. I want to love like you do, I want to be able to protect those I love even when I know I have no chance. You give me strength now.  
The other day I went to Obito's grave and asked every question that I have saved in my heart and prayed that he protect you for me when I'm not around. I don't understand why I'm writing this down. If you don't love me is there a reason for this letter at all? It will probably just make you pitty me.  
Either way, I love you and I can't help that. I can't help that I want to protect you and keep you safe so you can live. I can't help the clenching of my heart when I see you walk by with that cute little butt of yours. I can't help when you smile and it's make me freeze up. I can't help but want to make you happy when your lips hold a distinctive frown. And Most of all I can't help but finding you the ying to my yang, the porn to my Icha Icha paradise collect.  
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much Umino Iruka that it hurts and makes me happy all the same. Ne, if I am dead, be safe for me. That's my wish for you, for you to be happy. But if I'm not dead, take that message to heart anyway.  
Your secret admirer,  
Hatake Kakashi**

Iruka sucked in a deep lung of breath. Was his heart playing tricks on him? Was he dreaming like he wished he was when Kakashi died? It seemed so bittersweet to the brunette.

His sobs started to calm themselves after Iruka's fifth time reading the letter. The only reason he is eyes were drying up was just because he had no more tears left in his now sore eyes. Iruka felt so alone without Kakashi and yet he felt a ghostly warmth over his skin. So ghostly that it felt like someone was touching him, even with no one around.

Neatly Iruka folded back up the pages of the letter. He needed to eat, he hadn't eaten all day. And now that Iruka felt some kind hope and driving, he just couldn't let his life waste away. For Kakashi anyway. For his beautiful Kakashi. An exsaperated sigh left Iruka as he look at the twilight ski outside his window. Vaguely he felt like two arms wrapped him from behind. Iruka smiled to the heavens, Kakashi must be watching over him in that blue/orange ski above.

There of course will always be that huge guilty feeling in Iruka. The letter made it even worse in a way. But Kakashi wanted him to live just like how Iruka wanted Kakashi to live. Iruka guessed that Kakashi's prayers were stronger. Then again he was a strong man, that copy ninja.

If only Iruka could have told him that he felt the same way about him. If only he could touch that fair skin and silky silver hair. If only he could hear those words straight from Kakashi's covered mouth. But '_if only_'s don't always come true and Iruka had to live with that. He had to live without Kakashi for Kakashi.

Iruka opened up the envelope to put the papers in when he saw another thng in there. He picked the objects out and felt his breath catch in his throat. There was a thin silver chain with a dolphin on it. With that was a little picture and note. Iruka read the note before really looking at the picture.

**Just a bit of bribery, just in case. Love Kakashi**

Iruka wanted to cry but knew his tear ducts were dry at the moment. Then he gazed at the picture and his jaw dropped. A dark blush graced Iruka's face making the scar across his face stick out more then usual.

There in his tan hand, Iruka held a picture of Kakashi. A picture of kakashi... naked, laying on his bed, legs sprawled carefully to look art like. Kakshi was smiling in the picture and ...his memeber was fully erect, white dropletts of liquid running down the length. Iruka shut his eyes tight then opened them wide to check if he was seeing things. Nope he was defiantly seeing the picture right. Out of random habit, Iruka checked the back of the glossy erotic picture and saw more neat cursive.

**Thinking of you**

There in the depths of Iruka's mind he saw Kakashi smiling at him. Iruka groaned. That picture was a tease to him.

"Fucking baka," Iruka swore under his breath. "Perverted, mask wearing, unemotional looking,...sweet, sexy, perfect Fucking Baka."

He laughed to himself and stuck the contents of the letter back in place other then the necklace. That he hung around his his neck and clutched it. He loved it so much. He loved Kakashi so much. Iruka looked to the heavens again outside his window and smiled sadly, chuckling dryly for a moment. He wished he could tell Kakashi how he felt but some how he knew the scarecrow already knew.

That night Iruka slept better then the night before. The vague ghostly feeling of someone warm holding him tightly throughout the night.

* * *

_Hope you like it. It makes me cry. I'm sorry I made Kakashi a bit Ooc but he made up for it by taking that picture. lol sorry had to. Anywayz Please review.  
And don't forget to vote my poll!!!!  
RIP Kakashi  
_

**Love Natsuki Lee**

**12-3-08 **A/N ---I want to thank Googledi for her review...i would have loved to reply your review but i could so here it is..."thanks for the info. If it is true you and your friend get my love. And maybe when i get the time i'll do a happy story lol" Love Nati!

**12-4-08** A/N ---- dear J-Jack i know i was expecting it too lol, thanks for the awsome review. And yeah the picture is totally something i see kakashi doing love Nati


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